I am worthless.
I am not worth anything.
It’s one in the morning after Easter Sunday and I’m sitting in my car in the middle of City Park sobbing and gains mom wants to know how my weekend was as if she didn’t know that he just broke up with me.
I am a worthless pathetic sack of shit.
Gavin dropped the “I’m not moving and if you try to make me I’ll break up with you,” bomb this week, a full two months after we decided to move to North Dakota.
We’ve been arguing since Monday and I’ve basically been a hysterical, sobbing mess for every second that I’m not at work.
I will not stay in this shitty state in this city that I hate for any reason. Including the love of my life. Especially not for the awful excuse of, “I’m scared it won’t work out.” I won’t let a decision made out of fear dictate the course of my life.
But it hurts so goddamn much.
It hurts me and it isolates me and it makes me stress- starve.
I gave him until I get home at six am to make a final decision. But I’m scared he’s already made it.
It’s so frustrating to see the right decision and know deep down in my bones that it IS right, and to have to beg and plead with someone to make them see it too.
I know as surely as fact that this will make the rest of my life better. The entire rest of my life, improved by one year.
I don’t understand why the person that’s supposed to be my staunchest supporter is the one trying to hold us back.
Sometimes I wish the earth would just swallow me.
I’m feeling really crummy tonight, which sucks after all these weeks of implementing positive changes to my life.
I don’t really have any one in the ~real world~ to talk about it, though. And I don’t wanna just blurb all the internet.
Really, I wanna go to sleep for a million years.
I am so mad that I’m doing that stupid maipulative thing where I just act really, really happy until I find a minor thing to blow up about.
Keep your eyes peeled.
Big news one way or the other coming up next.
kivulini asked: Hope life's going well for you! :)
Awe, thanks bb!
I’m doing okay. I’m sort of ~meditating~ on some /news\ right now that I haven’t decided is good or bad, and this made my day a little brighter!